Some of you who were at BlissDom knew I wasn’t drinking Blisstinis for a reason…
This week I should be 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound after having a little spotting to find a baby measuring 10 weeks with no heartbeat. In an instant I was heartbroken in a way that’s become too familiar to me. This is my fourth pregnancy loss, and it’s by far the worst. Here I was thinking I had entered the coveted 2nd trimester, only to find that my baby’s been with Jesus for three weeks already.
Last night I read the blog by a mommy blogger named Beth who I met last weekend briefly who had lost her pregnancy just a week ago. Her whole post spoke to me, but especially this little bit:
We become mothers the minute we learn we are pregnant. The dreams, the love, the fears, the apprehension are all weaved together to create motherhood. And sometimes those dreams don’t come true and the fear does come true and for other others their dreams do come true and their fears don’t come true, it’s all so complicated. So beautiful. So painful.
For those of us who have and are going through this, it truly is an agonizing roller coaster. I honestly don’t know if I can do it again, as much as I ache to feel those little kicking movements in my belly again.
Right now, I’m just trying to get through it all. I want it to be over and I want to move on, as hard as that is. I am so incredibly thankful for the miracle that is my daughter, but that doesn’t change the fact that I grieve for another life that will never be. Another baby that I’ll never hold and cuddle and nurse and watch grow.
I felt the Lord spoke this verse to me this morning in a powerful way.
The Lord builds up Jerusalem, He gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; He gives to all of them their names.
Psalm 147: 2-4
I know my God is big. I cannot begin to comprehend how women make it through this kind of heartbreak without knowing that He’s there to heal and bind up those wounds.
If you feel like you don’t know what to say after all this, that’s okay. I understand. But if you do feel like commenting, here’s what I’d love, how about you share with me a scripture or some kind of encouragement that has spoken to you or someone you know in hard times. Thanks for reading and loving me.
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Blessed be your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name.
(song by Matt Redman)
Love you, friend. i wish i could give you a big hug…Though i cannot imagine exactly what you are going through, i will mourn this loss with you.
Weep as it is necessary; may the Lord be there to hold you throughout and then to hold you up when you are ready to take whatever the next steps will be.
Blessings to you, David and Gigi.
You are not alone in your grief or your despair. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
My heart and my prayers are with you. Sending you love.
Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundrys last blog post..There
Oh- there are no words- just sweet thoughts and prayers for you!!
Surely God is my (your) help; the Lord is the One who sustains me (you).
Psalm 54:4
Jenn Ws last blog post..My I-Did List…
My heart aches for you, Nicole. I wish I could give you a hug right now. But please know I am crying for your loss and praying on your behalf.
I wanted to share with you that my mom tried to get pregnant for 10 years between my brother and I. She lost 3 precious children and put it all into God’s hands. She couldn’t do it anymore. That’s when she conceived me… while on birth control. Our God can do anything. Don’t ever lose hope.
Psalm 33:22
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Linda Zs last blog post..Why, thank you, Mrs. Seinfeld!
I am so sorry. I am praying that you will be surrounded by God’s comfort and know that we’re thinking of you. Here is a song by Natalie Grant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo She wrote this after her baby went to be with Jesus. It touched my heart when I heard it a few years ago and hope you can be “held” in God’s love. Let me know if you want the lyrics.
I am so sorry to read this post. I cannot pretend to know how you must feel, but I have found myself in a number of situations where this particular verse has given me a lot of comfort:
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
I’ll admit that I am not a particularly religious person, but when I feel overwhelmingly sad, scared, stressed or as though I am losing control of my situation, this verse really helps anchor me – it makes me feel safe. I hope it may do the same for you.
I’m sorry. I lost a baby to miscarriage. My comfort is believing there is another soul in heaven without having experienced pain in this world, but I certainly didn’t feel this way at first. It just hurts, and I’m so sorry.
For who is God, except the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?
God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feed of deer,
And sets me on my high places.
2 Sam 22:32-33
Not sure if you have heard this song,
http://www.imeem.com/people/rmPkBn/music/EIm7F2uO/watermark_glory_baby/
Hey Nicole,
I have no idea what the joy of motherhood is like. You capture what you feel and how beatiful motherhood is all in your blog. I can’t wait to feel that for myself.
When ever I feel so much in despair that I can’t take it any more. I read the entire book of Job. My boyfriend and I stayed up all night once and had a very long discussion about the book of Job. It all ended tears and we both looked at thing a little differently after that night. All that suffering and Job still thanked God and praised Him. I wish I had comforting words for you but please know that your family (my family) is in my daily thoughts and prayers. Love you !
My sweet, sweet friend,
My heart aches with yours. And I am truly blessed reading about your beautiful faith in our Savior during this dark and painful time.
These verses from Psalm 139 come to mind.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Nicole, I love you, and I wish I could be with you. But, I know that the Holy Spirit is with you, and that’s even better.
Lots and lots of hugs and love to you.
Chrissies last blog post..Valentine Brownies with Pink Icing
I am so, so sorry. I know that pain too well, and it is overwhelming. This is a song that has brought me peace:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
It is well, It is well with my soul
Kristens last blog post..How to Salvage Leftover Night
I am so, so sorry. Words are failing me, but I’m praying and sending you cyber-hugs.
Janet Carpenters last blog post..Happy Valentine’s Day!
Nicole,
my heart breaks with your heart as I too went through this. It was a time when people did not talk about it and lessened the baby’s value with trite comments. Scott and I are praying for your family and if we can do anything even just talk i am more than available.
My words for you are not biblical but have reached my heart and given me hope when life seemed a bit too much. I have a friend who gave this to me after her 4th still birth and 7th misscarriage. She has no baby girl to even comfort her and still this is what she gave me.
“So today I choose to breathe and tomorrw the sun will come up and who knows what the tide will bring in.” Loving you, Kari Johnson
I, too, know the pain of a miscarriage. I pray the Lord will comfort you and give you an indescribable peace as you mourn your deep loss.
One verse that spoke to me during that difficult time and many others in my life is Psalm 34:18
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18
I hope it ministers to you as well,
Rebecca Hartman
Nicole,
I just popped in to grab your URL for the BlissDom transcripts I’m working on, and this caught my eye. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Though I am so blessed to have 5 beautiful children, I also experienced two miscarriages along the way, and I know the pain you must bee feeling. Anyhow, I just felt compelled to send you this little cyber hug and tell you that you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Tara
I am so sorry to hear about this. I just came across your blog today, I will say a prayer for you and hope you heal through this trying time.
Jenna @ Newlywedss last blog post..Featured on Experiencing Motherhood
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:5-6
Beckies last blog post..Merry Christmas
Nicole, I’m so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope you’re well, be strong.
dear friend
i am so sorry for your loss. my heart aches for you. wish i could give you a big hug right now. meet me in nashville tomorrow and we’ll order milk and cookies and cry together.
why there is so much pain in this world, i don’t understand. i long for heaven. it won’t be long before you can cuddle these little ones whose lives were beautiful and precious and changed the world around them. despite our pain we know God is good. xoxoxoxo
My Dear Nicole,
I have no idea why The Lord has allowed you to endure this loss again, but I do know that he will deliver you through this fiery trial and refine your faith.
1 Peter 1:6-7 says: In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and my result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
My past is much different than yours, and I cannot begin to understand the depths of your grief, but one thing I do know, is with how much I regret my past decisions, I do not regret what God has done to refine me through the trials, and make beauty from ashes. He will use ALL things for His Glory and one day put a smile in your heart when you think of those precious little ones with Him. I love you friend,
annie
Hey you…. I read this earlier this week and have been so burdened for you. We have two little ones in heaven and whenever a friend experiences the same heartache, it comes rushing back. It was during that time, when we lost two babies in a row, that I really learned to cling to Jesus. Every day, every moment of the day.
I’ve been holding you in prayer, Nicole. If you need anything… let me know. I’d love to meet for coffee or something.
Ashleigh (Heart and Home)s last blog post..Valentine’s, Schmalentines
Sweet dear friend, I am so sorry to hear of your loss (so sorry it took me so long to find out). I too had a miscarriage, mine was over nine years ago now– at 11 weeks, and it was an experience like none other. I had seen a heartbeat at 8 weeks. I had ultrasound photos of my baby and then one where there was no baby any more.
My doctor discovered that I had low thyroid and after getting treatment for it, I went on to have my son. I am so blessed to have him because I know so many women do not know why they have miscarriages. It is a heartbreaking thing and I am so sorry!
Sending you hugs, prayers and my heartfelt sympathy.
I mean to sign my name before I posted my comment…
Many hugs.
Melissa
melissa @ the inspired rooms last blog post..A Kitchen Makeover & The Benefits of a Small House
My hugs to you.
He has you in His hand. He cradles you in His arms.
I don’t know why you keep having this difficult experience, but I know that God has not forgotten you. He sees you. He will complete the good work he has begun in you.
You are so brave to share this. Your little baby is in heaven now. God is with you always. When you cry, He cries.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:4)
He is your God and He is carrying you now.
God bless you and strengthen you. You are his masterpiece.
Love and prayers, Nicky xo
I stumbled here upon reading part 3, then 2 of your journey to adoption. Thanks for letting me into your world a bit. Just makes it all the more excited when I get to see that beautiful baby that gigi gets to be a sister too! xo jess
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